I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
