Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
