I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
