good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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