How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Send help, water and tortillas.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
