ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
