I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
