Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
