he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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