the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I enjoy the company of your penis
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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