Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
