My cat gives me a boner
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
