I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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