Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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