I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
