i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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