if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just invented taco cereal.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
