i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Randomize
