Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
