Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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