Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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