I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
