no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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