I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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