Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
