I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
