i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
