You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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