He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
