nut hugger
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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