The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
