i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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