JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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