So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
