he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize