I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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