Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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