Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
