Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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