I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize