Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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