Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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