There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
