I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
bring money and cleavage
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
