I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
