I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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