She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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