If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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