"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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