new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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