Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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