im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
