I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
