guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
